Adventures in Blind Dating – Episode 3
I know…it’s been a while since I updated this ever so lovely blog regarding my brave foray into online dating. Why, you may ask? I’d like to say it’s because my career has taken off so swimmingly that I just haven’t had the time, or Ryan Reynolds finally came a-callin’ and there was no need to alert the media just yet.
Alas…there just hasn’t been that much to chat about.
There was the guy who seemed to have all the potential in the world – until I realized that it’s easy to fake minor things, such as a soul, over the phone. Sadly, I discovered that detail in person over candlelight at Apres Diem. And then there was the really cute one who I was ready and set to schedule that second date with…but evidently he thought I was as interesting as a documentary on bark chips because in two weeks, I have yet to hear back from him. I only contacted him once following the date – and I am a firm believer that if I toss the ball into a guy’s court and he doesn’t toss it back within the next day or two, well, DELETE.
Judging by the last couple of months, it appears game-playing is still alive and well in the thirty-something world. Which doesn’t sit well with me because I hate games worse than whatever latest unholy terror Kesha – excuse me, Ke$ha – is unleashing these days. So I don’t play the games. I feel like I’m probably being punished by Los Dating Gods for all my games from college – because I played them like it was Candyland back in the day – and so now the universe sees fit to impart my past sins on me times three. Or ten. There ARE voodoo dolls out there and I have an ex or two in New Orleans, last time I checked.
I thought it was refreshing to be honest. I’m not saying I jump into a guy’s lap in the middle of a bar and giddily exclaim, “Boy, I like you, Sparky! What do you think about naming our first kid Sparky Junior? I think ‘My Heart Will Go On’ would be great for our first dance. Isn’t Celine rad?” But if I’m having a good time by the end of the date and would like to see him again, I would think telling someone that might be, I don’t know, a good thing. The last time I enjoyed our little excursion, I even waited until the next day and simply shot him a quick text saying exactly that – I had a good time and would like to see him again. Never heard back. Then I realized…I had completely forgotten about the Waiting Rule: Hold off for three days before even remotely indicating you are into someone. Don’t call, text, email – nothing. Supposedly we women like to be kept guessing. I don’t know what delusional men’s magazine is feeding guys this crap, or if it’s held over from fraternity days, but I am discovering it, like skinny man-jeans and guy-liner, is still alive and well. I have just misread the profiles who say they like “refreshing honesty.” That phrase just means, “Tell me my Camaro rocks while I’m waiting for my pencil mustache to grow in. Isn’t my Members Only jacket hip and retro?”
I know several of my friends are trying out these internet dating sites. I have, in very simple terms, broken down the true definition of each phrase within a guy’s Match/Chemistry/Fish In The Zoosk Sea Who Want eHarmony profile.
- He says: “I’m just an easy going guy”
- He means: “I want no-strings-attached sex.”
- He says: “I like to cuddle and watch movies”
- He means: “I like sex on the living room couch.”
- He says: “I have a successful career”
- He means: “I like sex on the office couch.”
- He says: “I’m looking for someone well-rounded”
- He means: “I want someone who likes whips and chains as well as missionary.”
- He says: “I’m ready to settle down with the right woman.”
- He means: “I want to have sex with whoever buys into this line.”
See? It’s pretty simple. Three basic rules I’ve learned for online/blind dating.
1) If he texts you before he has ever spoken a word to you, run off screaming into the night as though you were being chased by the likes of Amy Winehouse because he is about as mature as a member of “Jackass” in 1986.
2) Wait three days returning said phone call and, most importantly…
3) Never, ever let them know you really like them. You can sleep with them, but only if you truly don’t care.
Ironically, men say they hate that book, “The Rules,” from a few years ago, but hey – from what I’m seeing, it still applies. Holy 2001, Batman!
Which is why I’m absolutely no good at this. I hated “The Rules.” I have a lunch date on Sunday at a bistro over in Peachtree Hills…ironically, the same place I went on my last date. I’m thinking about making it appear as though I absolutely detest him. Perhaps throw a ciabatta at his face and shout something about never calling him again. Maybe I’ll at least get a second date that way. In his absolutely bitchin’ Camaro.